Needed to make a few trips away from home during this ice-storm and was truly inspired by what I witnessed out on the roads here… So here’s 5 quick tips in case you’re not used to driving in the ice and snow. By my estimation, this soft-headed contingent might be as much as EVERY SINGLE VEHICLE currently on the road in Texas.
- If you have 2WD, bald/racing tires or a car that’s an inch off the ground: Stay the fuck home. No matter what. Even if it means you will die by not leaving. You’ll just end up killing other people (and yourself) with your ridiculously ill-equipped vehicle. Your lack of common-sense, as you do things like slide back down inclines into all the traffic behind you, will not endear you to anyone on the planet. Stay home.
- If you have a 4×4/AWD (with grippy tires) then proceed with caution by AVOIDING ALL OTHER CARS. Even if it means putting a couple wheels up on the sidewalk and blasting through red-lights. Just get the fuck away from the clumpy packs of other drivers. Do not let these harbingers of death surround you. They will creep about and spinout and roll into each other like it was some creepy slo-mo bumper-car ride at some inbred county fair. Remember all car packs consist of at least 72% petrified morons continually shitting themselves out of fear; this causes them to do exactly the wrong thing at all times. The other 27.9999% are too dumb to be scared. The .0001% is me. This statement is probably a fact.
- When your car drifts or slides in an undesirable direction LET OFF THE BRAKE AND PUT IT IN NEUTRAL (Even with an Automatic Transmission). Prob solved. Every time. Trust me.
- When you need to stop: Begin braking 10x earlier than you are used to doing by VERY LIGHTLY touching the brakes in quick spurts. Also throwing it in neutral (see #3) always helps; this keeps your wheels from spinning and will snap you back into a straight line. Your car has no clue what’s happening. So it does what it’s told by the gas dripping into the engine.
- If you decide to venture out (after passing the above qualifications) don’t’ drive 3-fuckin-MPH. Seriously. You’re like a wall standing in the middle roadway that everyone has to try to avoid. You become a huge fucking problem and a legit excuse for roadrage. This is why you have 4WD. You’re in the middle of it now… JUST FUCKING DRIVE. You’ll be okay (see steps 2, 3, & 4)… If your heart can’t take going with the given traffic flow, or faster when required, please refer back to the last sentence of rule #1.
- Please forward this to anyone unaware of the stupidly lethal combination of cars and ice and dummies.